Job's Apprentice: Hope

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hope

It was what I had last year when I would look at Bridget and worry that she looked like Dominic did -- weak and floppy and so lethargic. One year ago and we still were living in oblivion. Unaware of how the whirlwind of agony would come to wrench so fiercly around our hearts again. Here I am a year later, and worried that she looks like Dominic did, like Bridget did -- weak and floppyand so lethargic. And it doesn't matter. Just like there were no answers for Dominic. No answers for Bridget. There are no answers for Sarai. My heart is in a panic for the child I tried so hard not to love. And I love her more deeply because the depths of my heart were left unguarded, exposed by the holes ripped into the fleshy tablets of my heart when Dominic died. When Bridget died. I try to guard against the powers of the universe, but I have no strength. I am helpless. Absolutely and completely helpless. All I can do is to sit here. To watch her and wait. And hope. Hope that all hope will not be lost.

In case you were wondering...

Two of our children went into sudden cardiac/pulmonary arrest. Both events occurred on Saturday, September 8th. However, Dominic's event was in 2001. Bridget's event was in 2007. Both were nursing at the left breast when their events occurred. Both were resuscitated and flown to the same Children's Hospital. Both later died from too much time without oxygen, resulting in too much damage to their brains and other organs. The cause of death for both is still not known.

Here is the post I wrote about Bridget's crisis event and death (so similar to Dominic's) which led me to start this blog.

Here is the story of our first Saturday, September 8th [link coming soon], that describes a little history and the crisis event that Dominic had that led to his death.

We believed that Dominic died from Infant Botulism. When Bridget had the same symptoms and then the same crisis event that Dominic had had, it was thought that Dominic died with botulism, but not from botulism. No one has yet been able to tell us what truly caused either Dominic's or Bridget's crisis events which led to their deaths.

We have since added another child to our family. I occasionally talk about her on the blog because she has had similar episodes to Bridget and Dominic, and has had a lot of testing without a lot of answers, but some interesting results that no one can explain. She has had several hospital stays.

Without really knowing the cause of death for Dominic and Bridget, it leaves a lot of room for the imagination with our living children (which there are six), especially because it is believed that there is an underlying genetic condition, likely a mitochondrial disorder, that we just have yet to be able to diagnose.

This blog is not a reflection on the happy times I had with Dominic and Bridget, which there were many. It is not a place for my gratitude, although I occasionally share some. It is meant to be an outlet, where some of the most difficult feelings from these experiences can find a place outside of me, so that I am not left to carry the full intensity of it.

Here is what I wrote in a post describing the intentions of this blog:

This blog was never intended to be anything except the receptacle for the difficulty that weighs on me because of the deaths of my two children. Because of all those similarities, the things that connect, but the disconnectedness of it all. It was meant to be my outlet. When I post here, I am more pointed about the kinds of things I bring up. Because it is intended to be where I spew the ugliness out, scream that primordial scream into the universe, the kinds of things most likely to come up in grief. And grief is not really a cheerful, uplifting, happy thing.

To put it another way, when I take my car to the mechanic for repairs, I don't spend my time telling him all the wonderful things I like about the car. I don't go into the details of all my other vehicles. I point out all the flaws and problems I am having and hope to get the repairs done as quickly and with as little expense as possible. When the mechanic is done, I focus on other things.

To those who stop by: Don't expect much of anything else. I think it would be good to keep that in perspective. You might get the wrong idea about people if you use only the posts on a blog like this to paint a picture of who they are. And yet, those things I post here are a part of who I am. So when you stop by, I appreciate that you have been gentle.

Job's Apprentice

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hope

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About Me

In Memory of Bridget Lucille

In Memory of Dominic Angelo

Hope for Maggie

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