In Memory of Dominic Angelo

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends...
~Green Day

It was seven years ago today that we held Dominic in our arms for the last time. It has gone too fast, but never fast enough. IF the eternities still hold any hope for us, for a reunion... I used to believe it. I had no doubts it would be. Now I just don't know anymore.

I look back these seven years, and have tried so hard to hold on. To be strong and have faith. I have tried to believe in Him, that He loves me despite the heartache in Dominic's death. I thought maybe there was some greater purpose that I just had to believe was for our best.

I just don't know anymore. If all it had been was Dominic, the aching would still be more than I could bear. The understanding still lacking. The longing still so weighty.

We thought, seven years ago, that we had a name. Infant Botulism. We still searched for anything else. We asked if it could affect any of our other children. We questioned if we should have more. We were told to be comforted that it was just such a fluke thing, though so terribly sad.

Last year, He took Dominic's little sister away, too. And ON THE SAME DAY the angel of death tried to snatch her out of my arms, the way He had started the tug-of-war with Dominic. We tried to hold onto them both. Our arms were just too weak against the strength of the eternities.

And along with Bridget, He stole the answer to Dominic's cause of death. Left us without our children, and with all the uncertainties. And though we were sure we couldn't bear it again, another child lay in my arms these seven years later. Without answers, and full of fear.

They say faith conquers fear. But it is faith that delivered the fear to me. I wish all that I was doing today was missing my sweet little boy, my Dominic Angelo. My froggy. I wish it was only the heartache, and none of the questions. It is seven years too long without him. And seven years enough for the universe to have taken pity on us. But here I am, still without my son. Now without our daughter, too. And without any answers to protect the rest of us.

If God is all knowing, all powerful, then His silence in it all is intentional. And it seems so cruel. Not like the God I want to believe in. And I still want to believe. I still want to look forward to a reunion with my little son. And hold him again, and play "peas porridge" again-- even if I always get it wrong, and sing songs and cuddle and just be with him again. I want to believe, but the innocence can never last...