Circles

So much circling through my mind. How do I grasp on a thought and begin?



The picture of Dominic was taken that morning before we left. And the one of Bridget, she is wearing the same thing she was wearing on that morning, the exact same day six years later. I don't know why their little outfits are on my mind so much. Why I think about the things they had with them that day, and how their little onesies were cut off of them to try to save their lives.

Love goes around in a circle
Friendship begun doesn't end
There's love to be found
when you're sitting around
in a circle,
circle of friends.

And so we ended every week at the Grief Support group we took our children to after Dominic died. I don't know why it's on my mind so much. Perhaps it circulates through my thoughts as I think about the friends I had before Bridget died. The ones we'd had before Dominic died. How our circle of friends contracted when Dominic died, and then seemed to shrink, coming to a point, then to nothing, after Bridget died.


I seem to have so much to say. So much running through my mind. Never getting to a point. I try to express it. Articulate it. It doesn't ever seem to come out right anymore. Things don't seem to turn out right anymore.

He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic , rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!
~Edwin Markham ("Outwitted")

Turning out. Shutting out. Shutting down.

So much circling through my mind. How do I grasp on a thought and begin? And if I can't begin, will there be an end? Is that the answer: to end this all it can never begin. And once begun, it can never end. And I wish I could go back full circle, to wherever that beginning was. To bring it to an end.