Foolish

I don't know what else to do. I am just struggling to focus, concentrate. I vacillate-- doing okay, doing poorly. Trying to hold it together. What a fool I am, to spew it all out. The thoughts going faster than my fingers can type, and the words will be so disjointed. There is surely too much exposure. Too much that could be used against me. And it scares me and I worry that it will be somehow turned against me and I will be full of regrets. But in this moment, it is so consuming, and I just feel too overcome with it and want to let it escape somehow.

A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.
Prov. 29: 11

I feel like I'm there again. In that store again. Feeling like I'm going to pass out, but I don't. Feeling like my lips are tingling. It isn't really happening! I'm just imagining this! It's just not real at all! I've fallen asleep on the mattress and I am having a horrible nightmare and I just have to wake up! I have to calm down. I'm making a scene over nothing. She's fine. She's okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay! It's okay! It's NOT OKAY! IT'S NOT OKAY!!
Bridget, please don't die! Please, Bridget, Please! PLEASE!!!

It isn't okay! It isn't okay! I am stuck there. Stuck in it isn't okay, and I am trying to pull myself together and make it okay somehow. It is what it is! I have to accept this! I have to make it okay somehow. I have to be okay or I'll never see her again, never see Dominic again. I won't be worthy enough if I'm not okay. If I don't make it all okay somehow. I am just letting my family suffer because I'm so stuck in that place. Can't get out of that place. I can't make it STOP!



This is supposed to be a test. God is trying me. Or he is letting Satan try me? Like Job, right? Let's see, God. She managed somehow when you took Dominic away. But she won't still care about you if I take her precious Bridget, too. She'll stop believing in you, God, if you let me take her away and take away any hope of understanding. She won't still praise you God if you let me take her on that day, that Saturday, September 8th. Just let me prove to you God. She'll go tragic. She'll turn her back on you.

I don't know. I hate God, and in the same breath He is all the hope I have left. I don't know what to say about it all. I don't know what to say to Him about it all. He knows it all. He knows! He knows it won't be okay! Please, God, PLEASE don't let Bridget die, too! This happened with Dominic. I can't bear it! I can't do this again, God! Please don't make me bury anther child! Please, you have to save her! PLEASE!

And why aren't you listening? Is this a closed book test? I look in that Holy Book for the answers, and I am not finding them. Seeing them. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. What are the answers?



It isn't right. Dominic should be getting ready for his birthday. He should be having interviews and arranging a time for his baptism. My mom should be making plans to come here. Because you know, I'm not important enough to come visit unless there's some religious ceremony attached. And where is he? Where is my little son? My little froggy? So many times I read of those whose little one was taken in death, who feel their love and presence near. And I don't. I don't! I don't know where you are, my little son! I don't know if you still love me or if you hate me because of how I failed this test! Failing so miserably. that I'm not worthy at all to have you near me!

I hate that anyone at all ever even had a thought that I could hurt you. But that they openly accused me of such horrid things! I know how much I did everything I could to protect you, keep you from any kind of harm. And I know I never even had the thought to ever hurt you, let alone cause any harm to you. And I know that God knows that. But it hurts so deeply, so deeply, to have that thought be a part of all of this. And why God hasn't sent the answers to prove to the world that it isn't even a possibility. Why he lets there be any doubt. Does God hate me that much, really? And then to have it become so much a part of my worry now. That if somehow I cannot protect your siblings the way I couldn't protect you-- in all the power I had I tried! And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to save Bridget! You were in my arms! You were both right here in my arms and I couldn't keep you from slipping away! I couldn't keep my grasp on you! And if I was so powerless, how am I to keep the rest of us safe? But if I don't, I will lose everything! EVERYTHING!

I thought God loved all of His children. I thought he cared so deeply about us all. I thought He was no respecter of persons. But then there is such an outpouring for this person or that. There is the answers, the miracles for them. Is God not mindful of this little sparrow, fallen little injured. So hopeless, when I had been so hopeful.

I am just a little girl again. I am sobbing. Sobbing so terribly. My daddy is gone. I don't have anyone in this world who loves me. And then there is my mother. Somehow in her arms. She rocks me as I'm sobbbing. Sobbing. Just rocking me and I don't know how to make it stop, but I am so grateful for her arms around me. For the rocking. But I'm not a little girl. And my mothers arms grew too weary of me long ago. So annoying to her. Too much for her. No more arms to wrap around me.

How can the God understand? His son died, but He was resurrected only three days later. And His son is known throughout the world, through generations of time, through all eternity! Every tongue will profess His holy name! But who will remember Dominic? Who will remember Bridget? Who will remember.

The sweetest little ones. My sweetest little ones. But are they still mine? Did I lose them because I am somehow not worthy? How it stings to hear that I am such a good mother. It is supposed to be a compliment. I know that. I know it was meant as a compliment, but if I am such a good mother, then why am I here in such paralyzed depths, not invested in those little ones whose sweetness is here. In the now? And if I am such a good mother, then why did Dominic leave? Why did Bridget follow him? Why would God take them away? To test me? To prove me?



I don't know what the answers are. I am failing. Failing miserably. I am so upset. I just wish I could go right now and be cradled. I don't know where to go, but I just want to be held. I want it to be okay. It's going to be okay! It has to be okay! It's not okay. It's not! It's not okay!!

I feel utterly embarrassed. I know I should be over it. I know it shouldn't bother me like this. So what? Dominic died. Bridget died! Who cares? We all die, and it's not like they were important people anyway. It's not like anyone really cares. It's not like they meant anything to anyone. Who cares. You have six other kids, so what's your problem? I mean, come on. They were just babies. And you brought it on yourself. If you didn't tempt fate by going on to have another kid. You're so ugly anyway. You should have known from the start not to have kids. Because there is obviously something wrong with you and something like this was bound to happen. You should have known better.

There are people in the world who are worth our sympathies. Our compassion. Our concern. You're just some stupid ugly person. Sorry, but deal with it. Get over it. Move on. You shouldn't even be imagining that we're even giving you this much consideration. We didn't even think about you in the first place. We wouldn't have taken the time to even say all these stupid things. You're just not important enough. Beautiful enough. Popular enough. Maybe if you would be more sappy and do the things that make us feel like you're one of us. Oh, maybe, we would care. But get over yourself, because we just don't even care. And quit wasting your time thinking we ever think of you.

So it's lonely. So it hurts. So I'm not sure what is real and what is not. But I'm very aware of what is real. I just want to believe I am not aware. Want to think I'm crazy enough not to understand. I just want to stay in that place. When all I had lost was Dominic. As if that wasn't enough! It was already too heavy. Too much! How could God do this? How could he take Bridget, too?

But He didn't take her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I forced her away, because I was too impatient and didn't want to wait for her to be born when my body was ready for her to be born. I was too reliant on the medical technologies to force her out and she wasn't ready. And she was mad at me for caring more about myself than what she wanted, so she went back to God. And maybe she is right. And I deserve to lose her. I certainly didn't deserve to have her. Such a precious, perfect little girl. No one on this earth was truly deserving of her. Such an amazing joy. And I did feel like I cheated the universe to have had the opportunity to hold her in my arms. And I wouldn't change that I had that chance, but oh how it is killing me now! And I wouldn't mind dying, but then I don't want to go and leave these other sweet children who I don't deserve. And if I don't deserve them, which I don't, because they are just as wonderful, then I am sure they are going to be taken...



I remember at Bridget's funeral. And remember how "she" had called me a murderer. And seeing her there. Almost smug, like she was glad that I got what I deserved. Because she would have wished this on me. Wished for me to lose my Bridget. Because she accused me because she wanted to hurt me, and she liked seeing me hurt. And she was happy about such a deep hurt being put on me. Because I deserved to hurt. I spoke at Bridget's funeral, and I remember talking about what I deserved, and not being deserving of the amazing children I'd been blessed with. I understand that. I know that I'm not good enough for them. And yet I have tried to be good enough. It is all I try for. I want to be good enough! But it is never enough. But I don't deserve this! I don't deserve this!