When

When Dominic was born, I remember the worry I had when they took him to clear out a little fluid that seemed to make him have some trouble breathing. I asked if he was okay, and the nurse was so reassuring, and it was only a few minutes before I was cradling him in my arms again. Perhaps the thought had crossed my mind that I could lose him, but if it did it was so fleeting that the thought wasn't seered into my memory. I could not have guessed that on the day he should have been baptized, I would be here so very sad without him.

I woke up to rain this morning. We went out this morning together as a family, but not as a whole family. And I thought about how it would have been so much nicer to be all going to the church to have Dominic baptized, surrounded by family who was there to witness the sacred event.

But no one was here to visit us. There was no occasion worth the trip.

We changed our plans mid-day and decided to take the younger kids out for a special trip. As we were heading to the freeway, there was a rainbow behind us.

I thought of Dominic, and the popular Primary song that children sing at baptisms. And I missed him even more.

I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain
And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away,
And I can be forgiven and improve myself each day.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.
"When I Am Baptized", Children's Songbook 103

We were on the freeway, heading north. IKEA was coming up. I hated thinking that Bridget also wouldn't be here for a baptism in six years. I looked to the East, as I usually do to avoid seeing that place where Bridget stopped breathing in my arms. And I saw that a rainbow was across the mountains where the temple was.


The rainbow painted the mountains.




It was such an interesting, spectacular thing to see.

I can't articulate the things in my mind. How much I wish to share these things with Dominic, and Bridget, too.

When Dominic was dying, I remember the worry I had when they put him in our arms. How he seemed to have some trouble breathing. I asked if he was okay, and the nurse seemed so reassuring. But it was only a few minutes I had to cradle him in my arms. Cradle him for the last time. We sang to him, and I couldn't always remember the words. Just like when I'd cradled him at home and sang to him. One song I'd learned when he was only weeks old was one of our favorites, and he would smile and coo along with me as we sang.

When in innocence and love,
Like the angels up above,
They with happy hearts and cheerful faces meet.
"In Our Lovely Deseret", Hymn 307

And I don't know when I'll be able to cradle him again. When I will see him again. When?

When Bridget was born, I worried. I was surprised when she had trouble breathing then. She wasn't supposed to have trouble breathing. When I'd gone in that morning that she was born, they had done an amniocentesis. Her lungs were mature. But later we learned she had a small leak in her lung called a pnuemothorax. It was on the same side she also had a fractured collarbone. They told me sometimes when a child is born, there is birth trauma and these things can happen. I was surprised when she was born. I was surprised when she stopped breathing in my arms. That day in IKEA. Too much trauma when these things happen.

And I don't know when I'll be able to cradle her again. When I will see her again. When?