Celebrate

One year ago today. Here's Sarai's first picture outside the womb.

She wasn't due until the last week of July, but she came early weighing 4lb. 2oz. She could have come a week earlier when I had placental abruption and pre-term labor. We were lucky to get the two doses of steroid shots and hold things off until she was a little more ready.

I was actually able to hold her shortly after her arrival. She breathed room air from the beginning and mostly stayed at the hospital for feeding and growing.


I had a little trouble with bleeding after delivery, so her daddy followed her down to the NICU where they could watch her closely. We got things under control and I was able to join them not too long after. With Dominic and Bridget's cause(s) of death still unknown, and the concern that there is a potential underlying genetic issue, combined with her prematurity we were very cautious.
It had been less than nine months since I had held my baby Bridget in my arms. Just over nine months since the last time I had nursed her. And that last time is when everything went bad. Since Dominic also had his crisis event with nursing, I was very overwhelmed with finding a way to be true to my philosophical conviction that breastfeeding is best, and my psychological association of the two crisis events.

There was so much about it all, about another premature baby girl so soon after Bridget was born premature. So soon after Bridget's death. Being in the hospital again for a week before Sarai's arrival with all the uncertainty and the risks, and not being naive enough to think those risks only happen to other people. There has just been so many things mixed into it all, and yet here we are. A year later. And we have so much to celebrate!

Sarai has been so sweet. She's been through a lot. Scared us a lot. We've been able to share so much together in this year. There are just things that people take for granted. First birthdays aren't one of those here.

Nursing isn't either. Today I am celebrating that I was able to breastfeed the entire year. Sometimes I had to pump and use bottles-- I pumped on every single day for the first eleven months, and in the early months was pumping every three hours or more around the clock-- but I feel it a real achievement that we made it a full year. It isn't an easy accomplishment even without the psychological trauma I endured. It isn't an easy accomplishment even if you don't consider her prematurity, or her episodes that made her unable to nurse effectively on some days or during some feedings. But we did it!

I feel it was a gift for Sarai to do that for her. To those who don't share my philosophical convictions, I'm not sharing this to discount your preferences. It is just a real gift for us. The even greater gift, though was given to us by Sarai and by the powers of the Universe. That gave us the chance to share this whole year together. We hope for decades more. It is, afterall, her middle name: Hope.