Troubled

The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.
Ps. 25: 17

I wrote of being sick and having my husband and little ones sick. All of May we dealt with illnesses. And now June has also been filled so far. I had been grateful that the baby hadn't become ill. And then at the beginning of the month she started having a yucky nose and really red eyes. She was acting miserable and tired. We took her to her pediatrician and he thought it was merely allergies. By the end of the week she was still not doing better and was tugging at her ears. It was the weekend so I took her into urgent care. They examined her and decided it must just be teething with maybe a little eye infection which was beginning to clear up with drops. That night she started having fevers. Three days later when she was still not better, I took her into the family practice. He said both of her ears were red and started her on an antibiotic. Every time I gave it to her, she would throw up. She started getting so much more sick. I called the doctor again and explained that the antibiotic seemed to be causing more trouble. He had us wait until morning to make sure and when I called back to confirm that she was still doing poorly, they switched to a new antibiotic with only a three day course.

Her fevers continued. She did not seem better at all. Her heart monitor kept alarming more and more with high heart rate. Finally, we spent the night with the monitor pretty much constantly alarming. Her temperature was only getting higher. She was not eating anymore. Could hardly breathe as her nose was so congested. We decided to take her to the emergency room, as urgent care wouldn't open for three more hours and couldn't do IV fluids if she needed them.

We got to the hospital where she was born and were quickly brought back to a room. Her heart was still racing. The doctor came in and did an exam, then told us she looked very ill and he wanted to transfer her to the Children's hospital. We reluctantly agreed. I really didn't want to go there. Where we were last fall and they couldn't find answers. Where we were with Bridget and Dominic when they died.

But here we are, going on three days later. And she still has fevers and is not eating and is just so miserable. They were able to identify that she has a viral respiratory infection, which led to the ear infections which is all causing the fevers. But she had a complete course of oral antibiotics before we got here and then has had three days of IV antibiotcs. And the viral infection usually runs its course in 7-10 days, with 2-3 days of a fever. She is going on three weeks of this and 10 days of fever.

Because of the suspected metabolic disorder in the family, they ran extra tests. One came back showing a possible deficiency that was thought to be one Dominic and Bridget may have had. We had already talked with the specialists about this while I was pregnant with her and how we would need to test her after she was born. They had tested her before, but had not thought it was a problem then. So now they are working with the specialists to sort things out. I was told they'll have all the information in the morning.

They've decided to put her on a feeding tube, but after several attempts couldn't get it down - her passages just too tight. They will do it in the morning using radiology to guide it down. They also have more tests to do in the morning. And in the meantime it's IV fluids and tylenol combined with motrin to keep her fever down.

All of it has my heart and mind so troubled. The news reports of a child life flighted here yesterday but who has now died. A code blue was just called. I know too well what it is like to be in that crisis. And in some ways, it makes my mind feel it is also a part of this crisis. But I tell myself I am holding my little one, who is gratefully healthy enough to be sick. Which is a positive way of saying she isn't dead. Or even dying. But then that last sentence was what they thought with Dominic and Bridget before things changed so quickly. And when you see how sick Sarai is, you know you are already closer to there than Dominic and Bridget had seemed to be.

I struggle and try to cope through all of this. I just feel so troubled. I'm worried and so I am glad for the medical help, but I'd so much like to be home in my own bed with all of my children well. And I mean all of my children. But I know it cannot be. And now there are even more of those unanswered questions to trouble my mind.

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14: 1, 27